JOURNAL ENTRY: I realized over the break that I am living a double life.
I have kept a journal most of my life. I have found it to be an invaluable tool for recording my dreams, clarifying my thoughts, and processing my feelings. It has also helped me to see how much I have grown over time.
As a part of the writing process for Be True to You, I reviewed some of my older journals. I was looking for themes in terms of what I was journaling about as well as statements that were related to breakthroughs and turning points. One of the statements that I found during the process inspired this post. I made a note in my journal that I felt like I was living a double life. I was driven by a need to be accepted and, in the process, not openly sharing the part of me that loves to explore a variety of topics and finds inspiration in many things.
At the time of my journal entry, I was exploring spirituality through a different lens (e.g., the Divine Feminine, symbolic systems, etc.). My interest in the topics was real, however, I wasn’t comfortable sharing what I was exploring because the topic was outside of “normal” conversations within my circle of friends and family. I did not want to be seen as “eccentric” or a “new ager”. In reality, I was judging myself and assuming what others might think about me. I noted in my journal that I was out of integrity by not sharing that part of me. I made a decision to stand in my truth and start sharing my interests with others; not only for my personal integrity, but as a way for them to get to know me at a deeper level.
For the most part, it seems the more authentic I am with others, the more authentic they are with me. Being authentic and vulnerable opens the door for deeper and more meaningful relationships.
Is there a part of you that you are hiding/not sharing with friends and family because you are afraid of disapproval, rejection, or judgment? How might you begin to bring that part of you forward?
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All the best,
Ruthann
Copyright © Ruthann M. Wilson. All Rights Reserved.
Ruthann M. Wilson 
Great post and wonderful food for thought. Yes, there are parts of me that I believe I hide from friends and family, and I think this effort to stay authentic is a challenge on so many levels. There are the negative aspects of ourselves we believe we need to hide–and often it’s only from certain people. With others, we might feel comfortable letting those negative parts of ourselves seep out. In that aspect, I’m reminded of a saying I’ve heard that when we have a problem, we know who to call, and who not to call, to make us feel better. (Perhaps that’s more “role play”?). There are roles we have with our friends and family. If we call THAT sister, she’s going to say “why are you still involved with him?”. Your best friend is going to say, “OMG, I’m so sorry, you deserve so much better.” That other friend isn’t going to listen at all, she’s only going to launch into her own relationship troubles and not even remember why you called in the first place. Hopefully, in this respect, we’re just trying to be our smart, pick “door number whatever” when we need to feel better.
But what you’ve made me think about is, where am I not only being inauthentic for fear of judgment by others, but where am I NOT being the thing/attitude/individual that appears as the real thing, because I’m really only STRIVING to be that thing/attitude/individual–the individual who really does want to stay aligned with my true soul, but sometimes is only acting at it, because that’s the self I want to be so very much? Where am I falling short? Your post reminds me I need to not be afraid to identify those places where I’m not 100 percent there yet (and perhaps will never be 100 percent). Because if I’m inauthentic, I can’t keep growing.
Hi Wanda. Thank you for your feedback and additional food for thought.
Hello mate great bblog